Tragedy spurs family to advance mental health science through scholarship

Guided by a wonderful sense of imagination and fuelled by an endless supply of energy, Mike Stokes was a boy like no other.

Parents Amanda and Dave remember thinking how great it would be to have more 10 children just like Mike. Because their son was a true delight, always, even without his nap. His pet name for Mom? Flower.

“He was magic,” says Amanda. “The happiest, most easy going little guy.”

Mike surprised his parents one day by declaring that all he wanted for Christmas was a stick. Why? “So I can play fetch with my imaginary dog,” he replied. 

Amused, Amanda and Dave found a stick in the backyard and placed it, wrapped with a card, under the tree with everything else. And wouldn’t you know it? The boy’s appreciation for the no-frills present was genuine. They have a photograph of the four-year-old yelling, “Thank you, Santa!” up the chimney. 

“He got much more than the stick for gifts,” says Amanda, laughing, “but that’s all he played with.”

Which, looking back, was perfectly in character for Mike, whose young life had been one joyous occasion after another. “An adventurous little soul, a happy little soul,” says Dave. “Just a treat to be around.”

No one could possibly know the life-shattering challenges awaiting the Calgary family.

A bright lad, Mike got bullied terribly in Grade 1. “We had a different child in short order,” says Dave, “and we never ever got our five-year-old back.” Then came diagnoses of attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder, depression and anxiety. There were delusional episodes, displays of self-harming and persistent thoughts of suicide.

“Constant sadness,” says Amanda. “He was just a tortured person.” 

Mom and Dad did their best to address the issues, arranging for professional guidance. However, constructive support for the family proved to be elusive. “I’ve got this little boy, who’s just amazing, but he’s stuck in his own head and I don’t know how to help him out of it,” says Amanda. “And I can’t get anyone to help me.”

With mental health seemingly out of reach for their son, frustration mounted. Feeling helpless, fearing the worst, they watched Mike’s well-being decline. He died on June 28, 2022, less than two months shy of his 25^th birthday.

“We knew it was a matter of when, not if,” Amanda says of the suicide. “There’s nothing you can do. You hug him more. You tell him you love him every time you have contact with him. I don’t know how we could’ve done more.”

Dave agrees. “Were we perfect? Nobody’s perfect,” he says. “But, boy, Mike had two plugged-in parents who were there as side bumpers to keep him on the road as best as they could. We never shied away. We dug in. We doubled down. The more he threw at us, the more we were trying to get him help.”

Amanda and Dave have not given up hope. They still care.

Legacy gift honours son’s memory and supports future generations

Shortly after their son’s death, they made plans in their will to leave a gift to the University of the Calgary to establish the Michael Stokes Memorial Award in Neuroscience. They believe that advances to mental health care will come through science, that research-based innovation is the key to more effective treatment.

“Neuroscience is the study of the brain, and the brain is responsible for everything — how you think, how you feel,” says Dr. Corey Flynn, MSc’03, PhD’08, director of UCalgary’s neuroscience program and associate professor (teaching) with the Faculty of Science.

“In these cases where there might be pathology that creates conditions of mental illness and challenges, it all comes down to how the brain functions.”

The Stokes family, through the estate gift, will support students majoring in neuroscience in the Faculty of Science. It’s the up-and-comers in the field, the future practitioners, who need nurturing.

“Absolutely fantastic,” Flynn says of the award. 

“Easing that burden and giving undergraduates more stability to focus on their studies is really critical. Our program is an incredibly great opportunity to get at the goals the family has.”

Because beyond their treasure trove of happy memories — such as Mike creating an original mathematical equation (Stokes Formula of Partial Pressure) in Grade 12 — Amanda and Dave are keen to see research breakthroughs and treatment upgrades. That’s why committing to a scholarship at UCalgary made sense.

“Will it change the world tomorrow? Absolutely not. But out of this great tragedy, something good has to come, right?” says Dave. 

“One of the feelings we were left with was, ‘What was it all for? He’s gone. What’s left of him other than ashes in an urn?’ We want not only his life, but his struggles and what ultimately ended his life, to mean something. We want what we had to deal with as his parents and as his safety net to mean something.

“So we wanted to leave something that means something — and that’s helping students.”